Update, 2019: Wow, I developed this post into a book! You can order it here!
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I was in graduate school when I first heard the term “millennial.” It was at a conference. The session was about how to serve millennial students, because they have different characteristics than the Generation X students that went before them. It was here that I first started hearing things like “millennials need to be recognized for participation,” “millennials feel they are special,” “millennials are sheltered,” “millennials are likely to have helicopter parents,” and more. Society as a whole loves to hate on the millennial generation (those born between 1980-1999), calling us “special snowflakes” and sarcastically referring to us as “social justice warriors,” calling us out for “being offended by everything” and, everybody’s favorite, pointing out how very entitled we are.
Here’s the secret: We’re not.
The negative opinions directed at millennials are a perfect example, on an enormous societal scale, of cultural gaslighting.
What’s Gaslighting?
Glad you asked. I learned about gaslighting within the last couple years as I explored topics surrounding emotional abuse and narcissism. Gaslighting is the psychological manipulation of making someone question their own sanity. It’s an emotional abuse tactic. It can also be described as “the attempt of one person to overwrite another person’s reality” (as defined in this article from Everyday Feminism).
Have you ever gotten into an argument with a parent, boss, or romantic partner about something they’ve done that upset you, but by the end of the argument, YOU’RE the one apologizing for hurting their feelings? This is often a result of gaslighting. They flip it around and become the victim, and your original feelings never get resolved because the conversation always descends into the other person’s victimization.
As one example from my life, when I first faced up to the fact that my first marriage was in real trouble and I was considering divorce, I (very calmly) asked my ex-husband if he’d consider marriage counseling. His response? “I cannot believe you can even ask that of me.” He was so offended by the suggestion that something was wrong that I questioned the validity of my feelings. “Oh my god,” I thought, “I must be terrible. Is anything even wrong or are my expectations just crazy?” This is an example of gaslighting.
Now imagine a similar scenario where you are applying for a job, but the job requires a college degree, but you can’t pay for a college degree without a job so you end up taking out massive loans. Then when you graduate, you still can’t get a job without experience. So you end up in a minimum wage job (or three), making ends meet and barely making your loan payments. You say something like, “the minimum wage needs to be raised, people can’t live like this,” only to receive a barrage of old, crotchety white people yelling at you about how gosh-darn ENTITLED you are, and how THEY got a college education working part time and how it’s your fault for taking out the loans in the first place.
This is what I’m talking about. Generations before us completely drove the bus into a lake and it’s somehow our fault everybody’s drowning.
What are Millennials really like?
So if millennials aren’t a bunch of spoiled brats with an entitlement mentality who need a trophy just for putting on pants in the morning, what are they?
I am in a Facebook group of geeky women (mostly moms) from around the world, and our group is capped at 500 members. When it was discovered that two of our members were actively fighting to get out of physically and emotionally abusive marriages and needed money for legal help and deposits for moving, the group arranged a massive auction and hundreds of members donated their belongings and purchased in the auction to raise thousands of dollars.
When another member of that same group was faced with an unimaginable loss and an enormous bill, we had more auctions and helped her get through the worst moment of her life as best we could.
I have shipped pet supplies, groceries, books, clothing, and more to broke friends whose kids and cats were hungry, who have experienced loss and just couldn’t get up to “adult,” and to people who needed to receive a message to pull themselves out of a bad place.
I see us raising money for funeral expenses, medical bills, emergency surgeries for beloved pets, and more. I see us trading services or goods for other services or goods. I see us sending money via PayPal to make somebody’s day a little easier. I see us buying things from work-at-home-moms on Etsy or Facebook rather than support large corporate stores.
Once, I could feel a cold coming on but I was out of grocery budget, and a friend shipped me a box of tea from Amazon. I’ve sent her groceries and pet supplies when her budget was tapped. This is our generation.
We barter and trade, we lift each other up when we need it, and we empower each other. We have each other’s back.
But what are they reeeeally like?
Anecdotal evidence aside, here’s some science.
First of all, it’s important to note that there are some 80 million people in the millennial generation, making us the largest cohort in history. This makes us very fun and easy to study. I pulled some data from a 2012 report from the US Chamber of Commerce Foundation.
Millennials are tech-savvy, having been raised in the most technologically advancing decades of recent human history. We are optimistic (41% report satisfaction with the way the country is performing, compared to 26% of people over 30). Please note that this data was from 2012 and if I were a betting woman, I’d bet that fewer millennials are pleased with how the country is doing at this particular moment in time. 2016 has been rough.
“Young people are more tolerant of races and groups than older generations (47% vs. 19%) with 45% agreeing with preferential treatment to improve the position of minorities.” Not only are millennials the largest demographic, we’re also the most diverse. We are 60% non-Hispanic white (compared to 70% for older generations), 19% Hispanic, 14% black, 4% Asian, and 3% mixed race. Eleven percent of us are born to an immigrant parent. So the generation that hears “Why are you kids so offended by everything these days,” is offended because we’re sick and tired of seeing minorities vilified and punished by systemic racism within the system.
Millennials are multi-taskers. Multi-tasking is actually harmful to the brain and leads to a huge decrease in productivity. But, you know, we gotta work all these jobs and get everything done, lest we die penniless in the gutter.
Millennials are engaged and expressive: 75% have a social networking profile, 20% have posted a video of themselves online, 38% have 1-6 tattoos, 23% have non-earlobe piercings. The research indicates a trend toward “self-promoting,” which some skew to mean that millennials are self-confident (OH NO, THE HORROR) and self-absorbed. Others take this data to conclude that millennials are identifying their passions and making their own path instead of following others’ paths for them.
Millennials get their news from TV (65%) and online sources (59%).
Millennials may be the first generation in over 100 years to have a decrease of their average lifespan.
Millennials have a high graduation rate from high school (72% in 2012) and college enrollment rate (68% in 2012). Over half (58%) of millennials that enroll in a four-year college graduate within six years.
Millennials have an average of $25,000 in student loans. There is more student loan debt than credit card debt in the United States. Tuition rates are rising faster than inflation. However, enrollment continues to increase and there is a trend that jobs are paying more for more educated applicants.
On and on and on and on. Read the full report linked above for more statistics and research.
Millennials struggle with mental health
Most millennials I know struggle with mental illness to some degree. Anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and more. I wonder how much of that anxiety comes from being told that wanting a living wage, affordable college, or adequate healthcare means that you’re being a spoiled entitled brat. It really doesn’t. The generations before us HAD a living wage, affordable college, and adequate healthcare. But now, inflation has far surpassed the minimum wage, college tuition and loan interest rates are through the proverbial roof, and medical bills are the top cause of bankruptcy in America.
These things were not caused by millennials, but after being raised on a steady diet of “you’re entitled,” we don’t even need to hear it from other people. We believe it about ourselves. As a society, we now romanticize struggle, busy-ness, and “the hustle.” If you’re not losing sleep and working two or three jobs, you must not want it enough.
What if we’re actually not crazy? What if wanting to work one full-time job and have the ends not only meet but actually overlap a little is NOT an entitled pipe dream?
The sheer stress of existing in today’s world is enough to give anybody an anxiety disorder. Add the fact that we’re told over and over again how we need to just bootstrap it, because generations before us handled life just fine, and you have a recipe for disaster. The generations before us could afford college tuition on minimum wage and didn’t have bosses who expect us to be tied to our devices at all hours.
I often feel this way about our financial goals. I have a full-time job and bring in extra income from freelance marketing work and resume writing. I make “good money” by most standards. And I catch myself thinking I should be working a part time job in the evenings or on the weekends to make our financial goals happen faster. But at what cost? I know for a fact that my mental health would suffer if I did that. I can’t even imagine the psychological stress of people who have to work multiple jobs just to meet their basic needs. We’ve got people working two or three jobs to feed their families that they barely see. That’s not even getting into the cost of child care.
More reading on millennials and mental health:
- Mental Health Issues and College-Age Millennials, Psychology Today
- A generation on edge: A look at millennials and mental health, Vox Magazine
- Are Millennials Really the Most Mentally Ill Generation?, Moods Magazine
Conclusions (for now)
The millennial generation has been tasked with fixing the broken system we inherited and chastised for not doing it right or for daring to suggest improvements.
If you think we’re doing a bad job, ask yourself how it got this way in the first place.
Born Again Minimalist 
Thank you for your excellent explanation of millennials. I am a Gen Xer, and I have to admit that there are times when I just didn’t understand what all the fuss was about the generation after me. You answered many of my thoughts and questions regarding mental illness that many millennials suffer from. I have often wondered why there are so many disorders now that didn’t exist when I was a child in the late ’70’s and early ’80s. Social anxiety disorder was just called shyness when I was a child. It was something that you either grew out of as I did, or you just were. There was no pill to take to cure you of shyness. I have asked myself if people just don’t have the ability to deal with what life throws at them or if life is just that much harder than when I grew up. I appreciate your thoughtful essay. You have given me a lot to think about.
I’m so glad you enjoyed the post! Thank you for your thoughtful comments. 🙂
As well as the psychiatric community understands them, mental illnesses have either environmental and genetic factors or a combination of both in which case they can both intersect, playing off each other, and they can both have a degree of mutual exclusivity. They were far less understood, especially by the public, in the late 70’s and early 80’s. Unfortunately, there is still a lot we don’t understand and our early catch and treatment initiatives remain quite faulty despite how many people they DO help treat and, in certain cases, save from death.
It wasn’t until 1994 that the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Disorders)-IV was published and the term social anxiety disorder (SAD) replaced social phobia. This new term was used to refer to how broad and generalized fears are in the disorder.
There still are people who are just shy. Social anxiety disorder on the other hand is characterized by a SIGNIFICANT amount of fear in one or more social situations. It is insanely excessive. People with the disorder do a lot more than just look away when approached or meekly say hello or hide behind something. Depending how severe it is, one may go under considerable distress and some, if not many, functions necessary to daily life are literally impaired. Panic attacks, excessive sweating, trembling, palpitations all to the extreme. Evidence suggests that the disorder may predict subsequent development of other psychiatric disorders such as depression, so early diagnosis and treatment is absolutely critical. Shy people go through much less distress and can still go about daily life tasks. People who are just shy overwhelmingly tend to find their shy habits and quirks lessen or die out completely or morph into a healthy level of introversion for their particular personality. Social anxiety disorder is very likely to be a lifelong battle.
It is also worth noting many people do not take medication for it. Many solely get psychological treatment, such as social skills training, self-help strategies, cognitive behavioral therapy, and acceptance and commitment therapies. Overwhelmingly, people who take medications also go through some form of therapy in addition. Very few people JUST take medication.
Source: I know both people with social anxiety disorder, including family members, and people who are just shy. I have bipolar depression myself and take a VERY low dosage of medication. My treatment is mostly lots of self-help strategies, therapy, and being very self-aware about signs of a manic episode.
Jason, Thank you for this comment. I’ve actually thought about medication myself but so far can’t even pick up the phone to call someone to talk about it and I stopped going to my therapist.. I really should get back on a treatment plan for my general whatever-the-hell-this-is. Thank you for being so informative about social anxiety disorder.
I agree with a lot of what Sandra said. This was well written and seemed to get across a lot of misunderstandings about millennials. I know a bunch of millennials struggling with multiple jobs. Thanks for writing this Caitlin
I think something to remember when we compare past/present RE psych issues is that socially we were less likely to talk about this in the past. We didn’t say that the neighbor kid’s mom went to a psych ward, the neighborhood just talked about her going on holiday. And since a lot of people would self-medicate, we didn’t talk about their intense anxiety, we talked about them being an alcoholic.
A lot of things existed, we just didn’t name them. And now we’re naming everything because that feels like we can better understand it.
Hey first off I’m sorry I’m replying to this comment directly. I can’t figure out another way, likely due to my smart phone and not being familiar with this site.
Second, I’m gonna be honest I’m pretty sensitive right now. I just got done being homeless because I abandoned my house to escape my abusive ex. He was guilty of gas lighting me. It was torture.
I’m trying not to mix my emotions too heavy with this, but I feel that taking a term to describe domestic abuse or emotional abuse and smacking it on a cultural phenomenon is hyperbolic and trivializes what gas lighting is and how it feels.
I’m a millennial and I’ll take this cultural bashing any day over actual gas lighting.
I will concede that marginalized groups experience oppressive tactics in similar methods as gas lighting, however.
And regarding the other content of the broken system, and overall money we make in this generation, I do think we are doing quite well. I could write a few pages but in short wage to rent ratio, college costs, etc., are not objective ways to measure value in a society.
I hope this comes across effectively.
Don’t forget that as more research is done in mental and neural health fields, and having/treating the illnesses loses the old social stigma, reported rates of illnesses will continue to rise, even if the number of people who have actually had a given condition doesn’t change by much. Thus making people getting treatment seem more common in the new generation, increasing the disdain from older people. Do if this article is correct in its take on the causality there, creating new cases of illness. Fun.
none of this explains why lucky millennials who ALREADY HAVE privileged jobs (such as the ad firm GSDM here in Austin) act as though they can’t be bothered to work hard.
it certainly is not all or even most of them, but it is an alarming number, and friends of mine in the tech industry (who are millennials themselves) are shocked at how often they have to deal with this attitude. job security? who cares, everything i do is basically temp work until i’m paid to work on my dreams.
news flash- nobody gets paid to work on their dreams. do the work FIRST, then when your project is complete seek out those who vibe with your content.
Every old Gen thinks that of 40+ younger Gen.
Same as Op here, side job so decent money, but considering more for faster financial goal meeting.
Tbh I’m furious with all the attention this Gen attack and Gen defense get, all the attention minor social problems get, or feelgood minor justice posts.
Voting every 2 years, breaking away from the 2 party system that got us into this mess over the last century+, and PROTESTING PROTESTING PROTESTING are our last bastions of hope.
Occupy
Democracy spring
Dakota pipeline
These are stepping stones to our own French Nuitdebout
It is so much harder now. Why can’t more people see that? Just for the revord , some of us oldsters do. http://reflectionsrants.blogspot.ca/2012/03/generations-and-fortune.html
Just a note about the generational divide. I feel like I definately fit in this group. I was born in 1981. But, when I was in high school people were telling me I was in generation X. Then later it was Y. Now, apparently I’m a millenial. I find a lot of differences between those my age and those more solidly in the millenial generation. We grew up without today’s technology and had to adjust. We had rotary phones, cassettes and antennas on our tvs. It seems like the baby boomers are slowly grouping everyone who isn’t them into a single “other” generation, when there is actually a lot of variation that gets glossed over.
There’s a great article about those caught between Gen X and Millennials… called the Oregon Trail Generation. It’s FANTASTIC, let me go find it…
https://socialmediaweek.org/blog/2015/04/oregon-trail-generation/
Check this out and see if it fits with your experience!
Everything in that article 100%! I’m not the OP, but I’m another 1981 baby and also feel the oddness of straddling generations. I identify more with gen x than Millenials, but I have traits of both.
As to your piece, I often wonder if all the negative traits assigned to Millenials are really reflections of the (usually Baby Boomer) writers. That generation as a whole seems far more narcissistic and entitled than any of the Millenials I know well. And I don’t think that’s ALWAYS a bad thing… I think that sense of entitlement is what pushed our parents’ generation to fight for civil rights and gender equality and allowed for a bit of justifiable mistrust of the government. But it certainly explains why they’re gaslighting you!
Thanks Meagan! I am inclined to agree… the civil rights and equality pushes were important but jeez, lay off the new generations, eh?
The generational line is a hot button issue in our home. I’m 29, my partner is 44, and most of our friends are around 35-40. I’m generally considered firmly a millennial in regards to age, but my childhood is exactly in line with the oregan trail article you linked. What we’ve figured out is lived experience is way more important than actual age. Because I was born in 87, but my teen years were pay phones and mall rats and trophies for perfection only and grunge and baby bats. They have taken to calling it “selective anachronism” which they define as the weird cases where a person manages to develop strangely out of sync with everything. I have to say I do have serious cognitive dissonance moments when I talk to other people my age and realize they’re looking at me like I’ve got 4 heads when I talk about almost killing myself trying to flip the tape in the boom box seat belted into my passenger seat because the radio on my car was shot. I talk to people in their mid30s or later and they know my pain…but still are confused the first 10 times something like that happens because I’m too young to have had a Foreigner tape at 17. It’s an awkward social designation.
I feel this so hard. I’m 28 and my husband is 46 so we get some of those weird discrepancies too. I am young enough to remember boom boxes and cassette tapes… but I was also chatting in IRC chat channels by age 8. It’s a weird dichotomy.
In the early 2000s I remember being told quite sternly by my GF (five years my senior) that I was definitely *not* in gen X, though she was. Gen Y was the term thrown about then, of course.
We were talking about ‘Slackers’ and the things that very much defined the cynical, post-classic-‘baby-boomers’ that were ‘gen x’ – coming of age in the late 80s & early 90s.
In the end, even she is, now, in a place where she has more in common with gen Y than those gen x’ers in their 40s, though.
My husband is in his 40s and I feel like he’s an honorary Gen-Y millennial, as techy as he is!
To the original author, great post! In response to Matthew’s comment, I think you raise a good point and I simply have something add. I was born in 1982, but my dad was really a computer programmer and a big tech geek, and I think this gave me a solid Millennial generation experience even on the early edge of that generation. For instance, I had a website by 1996. (Yeah, technology has changed a lot since then, but I was used to technology changing.) Every age cohort is bound to be a little fuzzy on its edges, so if you live near that boundary, a lot will depend on the particulars of your life experience, when you had certain life experiences, and so on. I saw that Oregon Trail Generation thing before and it fell flat for me, but some of my friends love it.
Thank you Jessie!
I have thought of your dilemma and wish to say that I agree with how you feel and believe you truly feel this way, however, I was born in 65 and had cable TV and cellular car phones by 1980 and I was playing computer games on a Commodore 64 computer made by Apple n 1979. My three children are born in the 90s and what I tell them as did my father, if you spent your energy on moving forward and living life instead of dwelling on dilemmas you’ll be somwhere. All I hear is omplaining and poor me victim excuses that just makes the other generations shake their heads and proves us right. Your dilemma is because of poor parenting and technology. You need someone to kick your sissy ass because it is a generation of sissys.
Hey bro, thanks for proving my point.
Matthew, I hope you realize you are grouping everyone who isn’t you into a single “other” generation, when there is actually a lot of variation that gets glossed over.
off topic-totally-semantic-kind-of-feel-guilty-for-even-pointing-it-out-but-I-was-bothered-too-comment: “8.50 an hour” is still six syllables. “eight bucks an hour” would make a haiku. please forgive me.
I considered “hour” one syllable. (Also I just counted it out on my hand no fewer than four times LOL).
I always count out haikus, I also count “hour” as one. 🙂
Phew! I’m not alone!
“Eight-quarter” would also have solved it.
Really great job here. This is a fucking fantastic article.
Thank you!
Sara I absolutely agree!! And I was born in 1961…we have got to do better and acknowledge what is happening and strive to fix it together.
Very intriguing post. Yes, it does appear that many don’t understand this generation at all. t seems now a days, we hurt yourself, and comfort others, compared to hurting others, and comforting yourself, I think we are veering into a major age of depression, and related anxiety disorders, and the likes. I mean, if a high school has a single person die from suicide a year, that means a another 100-200 thought of committing suicide, and even more had depression. It is funny how people seem to overlook this. Oh, and it seems like so many, mostly the older generations, constantly believing that a select group of people are similar. How is it possible that all millennials are lazy, or feel entitled, and were are these entitled people, I just see a bunch of people with some extreme mental problems, and a lack of self worth.
I agree completely. And WOW – I never even thought of the statistics like that but you’re right, for every one suicide (there was actually a suicide in my ELEMENTARY SCHOOL in fifth grade) there are hundreds more that are thinking about it. Chilling. Thank you for pointing that out from that perspective.
Most of my friends don’t know I’ve been suicidal for 20 years. I had a terribly frightening episode just this past weekend, with friends. I couldn’t tell them the details, I didn’t want to bring them down, and there’s nothing they can do for me. They could give me all the love in the world and I’d still be broken, but I may have finally snapped enough to start looking for therapy. Then again, I can’t afford therapy. Suicide is a nice, comforting alternative to living in despair, lonely and isolated, no matter how many friends you have.
And you can be damn sure you’re completely unaware which of your friends feel the same way. I’m a pro at hiding it. Hell, to most people, I’m the happiest guy they know.
That tends to be a common theme among people with depression and/or suicidal tendencies. I mean, look at Robin Williams. Funniest happiest guy you’ve ever seen, until the truth came out. I’m so sorry you’re struggling and hope you can get the help you need.
I had luck in the past with sliding scale fee therapy or seeing student counselors working on a counseling or social work degree who would do practicum hours for free or very discounted. Are there local universities you could check out for something like that?
Robin Williams did not kill himself out of depression, it was due to dementia. As the generation that is seen so negatively, we must be that much more careful to rally around pure truths. That being said, his depression and substance abuse problems should not be downplayed, so please don’t misunderstand my meaning.
Thank you so much for the clarification, Tianma. I wasn’t aware it was dementia.
As a cranky, middle-aged white male, I am acutely aware of how screwed the millenial generation is, and I mention it often. Your generation is not the first to expect to live less well than their parents. Mine is. Your generation, however, may be the one that discovers the political will to change our suicidal course.
CLARK IVERSON, are you familiar with John Mayer’s “Waiting on the World to Change”? Since this song came out it has really spoke to me. I don’t think our generation (I’m assuming you are gen X like me) simply lacked will to change things. We lacked the numbers and we instinctively knew it. We are sandwiched between two very large generations (the baby boomers and millennials) and that has left us effectively silenced because in any kind of democracy numbers matter.
It always excites me to see that people like you exist–people that are willing to admit that there is a problem and that Millennials aren’t, by and large, entitled little brats, but actually adults facing a real issue that they didn’t cause but are expected to fix.
Since you’re middle age, I’m assuming you’re a late Boomer or a very early Xer (so a straddler, like the Oregon Trail Generational Line kids), which brings me to the reason I actually decided to reply to this.
Fun fact: The Millennial generation is sometimes referred to as the Echo Boomer generation, because we actually have a lot in common with the Baby Boomers. It’s just something not a lot of us–on either side of the debate–are wiling to admit to. We both face the reality of living less well than our parents in a political system with a corrupt and crumbling infrastructure. We’re both generations that are frequently (and without remorse) treated as subpar or inferior to other generations as a result of things that are out of our control. If other generations, specifically the Boomers but, to some smaller degree, Generation X as well, could actually admit that we’re not all that different from each other, we could absolutely find the political will to change our course.
Right now, however, it’s unlikely. Look at the vote Britain just did to leave the EU. The Millennial generation, by and large, voted to remain in the EU. The Baby Boomers voted to leave and they won. So now British Millennials will have to deal with the economic and social fallout of a decision made by people who will likely not live long enough to really see the sort of damage they caused. When people advocate and fight for social change, they need to take into account the impact it will have on the population as a whole–which is something Millennials do, as outlined in the article. We’re incredibly aware of the strife that other people face and we’re willing to band together to help others out of a tight spot. We have to. We wouldn’t survive otherwise. We’re more of a community than we are singular individuals and the world could use more of that–more thoughtfulness toward your fellow man rather than blatant disregard for anyone other than one’s self.
Hi! I’m an editor at The Huffington Post. This is a great piece! Would you be interested in re-posting it on our site? You can reach me at hayley [dot] miller [at] huffingtonpost [dot] com. Hope to hear from you!
Hi Hayley -I’ll be in touch!
Hayley, I sure hope you’re offering a paid opportunity. It would be pretty ironic if you were asking to for a free re-post, when one of the problems Millennial generation struggles with is the difficulty of getting paid for the creative content they generate.
The myth of “exposure” is just one more form of gaslighting: the idea that it’s unreasonable to expect to be paid for the time and effort that went into your creative work. A related idea is the concept that people who are working on something they’re passionate about should be willing to do it for free, because it’s “advancing a cause” or “making a difference.”
Oh, Gretchen, bravo!
Best internet comment of the last 4000 months.
Yesss thank you for speaking up.
A certain multi-billion international corporation is paying me in “exposure” for my creative content. They look good on my resume but otherwise haven’t “exposed” me to any other paid job opportunities. If anything, I’m getting a lot of requests to do even more work for free…
You know what else is free? Suicide. Always an option when you can’t meet your costs of living because everyone wants you to work without pay.
An absolute good. Bon mot.
“Hayley, I sure hope you’re offering a paid opportunity. It would be pretty ironic if you were asking to for a free re-post, when one of the problems Millennial generation struggles with is the difficulty of getting paid for the creative content they generate.”
Spot on. Good call out.
Same thing happens in Finland with the disabled and the willing-to-work-but-ignored-by-the-employers: that willingness to work does nothing but land us on government exploitation schemes with no real wage, no real health-care coverage beyond the public system (which, in Finland, is bloody attrocious!), and ‘work experience’ that no employer will recognise.
It is gaslighting. And it is indeed part of a whole package of psychologically abusing techniques aimed at maintaining one set’s power over another set.
I think Wil Wheaton and HuffPost have gone back and forth on this issue before 😉
It has created a pretty good discussion. I’m not sure on which side I fall regarding this – I think it depends on the situation, but it’s a good thing to bring up and question. Thanks for your post Gretchen.
People expecting creative content for free isn’t a millennial problem. It’s a “creative” problem. Artists of all sorts from writers to studio artists to photographers to musicians and so on have been hearing this for generations…and the excuses folks use for expecting it for free are numerous.
Bingo! 10 points to Gretchen!
“I make “good money” by most standards. And I catch myself thinking I should be working a part time job in the evenings or on the weekends to make our financial goals happen faster. But at what cost?”
That sounds like me too! :O
It sounds like most people I know!!
I’m tired of everyone still thinking the Millennials are kids. We’re in our mid twenties to mid thirties. Most of the Millennials I know have kids of their own. It is time to name the next generation so that they can be differentiated from us. We’re both digital natives, but we were alive to see the switch of millennium, this new generation was born after that in a post y2k post 9/11 world and I’m sure their experiences are very different from ours.
For SURE! The kids in my sister’s class (she’s a teacher) were born post 9/11 and it’s a completely new generation. Apparently it’s called Generation Z but the beginning/ending years are still pretty muddy. It may turn out to be an even bigger cohort than millennials, and I’m sure it will bring even more new data and shifts in how we communicate.
I’ve seen the term “BoomLets” thrown around because they are going to be another booming generation. It starts with people born in the year 2000, but I’m not sure when it ended/will end.
BoomLets is adorable. I’m in.
I’ve also heard the term “Gen Tech” or “iGen” for the newest generation as well (I love “BoomLets” though!!). On a side note, thanks for this article & for the link you provided to the Oregon Trail one. I was born in early 1980 so I also feel sort of lost in the middle; my partner was born in late 1984, the son of immigrants, & it’s crazy how differently we
grew up. Anyway thank you for the article! I also learned the term gaslighting. Keep up the good work (but also take time to relax some if you can) 🙂
I’ve heard the term Homeland Generation bandied about, and it seems to suit them well.
Reblogged this on Multifandom-Madnesss.
I’m a Gen Xer and I have nothing but love for millennials and contempt for those who denigrate them. I still vividly remember how the baby boomers talked about my generation; we were lazy, entitled, slobby, wanted it all handed to us, etc. They looked at grunge trends in music and fashion and congratulated themselves on their keen observation. We hated their smug mischaracterizations and dismissal of our value and it kills me to see my generation doing the same thing to millennials. How could they forget the frustration, sadness, and anger of working so hard to please people who would never recognize our worth?
I remember complaining about this to my mom when I was a kid. She sympathized and told me that when she was young, her parents’ generation did the same thing to her generation. Her generation didn’t experience World War II; they grew up in peacetime in an era of unprecedented growth, prosperity, and technological progress. They had access to opportunities and technology the older generations never did.
Mom said she was convinced that her parents’ generation did it because they were jealous of all that. They didn’t get to grow up with color TV and other stuff that were either expensive luxuries or nonexistent when they were young. So they took out their suppressed anger on the people who simply were born at a certain time. And then my mom’s generation turned around and did the same thing to mine and mine does it to yours.
What really gets me is I grew up with the romanticized version of America. We were taught in school that every generation worked hard so that their kids and grandkids could have a better life than themselves. This is still what I believe the world should be. We owe it to future generations to make this world better for them because we brought them here. But instead, the older generations have crapped all over the planet and then blamed the new one for the mess.
I really appreciate your input and totally agree… each generation should do their best to IMPROVE the world, not just hand us a pile of crap and be like “lol sorry.”
Yes as an X-er with young kids I totally agree. This is well written and accurate.
We need to band together against the problem. The boomers who won’t retire and get out of the way so we can get to work fixing their mess
I’m a boomer, and yes, when I was in my teens and twenties, the World War II generation parents were always telling us how spoiled we were, and the adult pop culture laughed at us.
We, in turn, felt that the World War II generation had ruined everything.
It’s the way of the world, but the Millennials have to put up with people from my generation who have no clue about how society has changed. The example I like to cite is tuition at the University of Minnesota. In 1968, annual tuition was 300 times the minimum wage. This year, it is more like 1700 times the minimum wage.
Apartments are also more expensive in real terms. When I was in college in Minneapolis, you could figure $50 per bedroom, or about 40 times the minimum wage. If that were still true, the average apartment would cost $290 per bedroom. Instead, it’s closer to $1000 per bedroom and rising, and Minneapolis is far from the most expensive city in the country.
By the way, the article didn’t mention the origin of the term “gaslighting.” It comes from a 1940s movie, “Gaslight,” in which a late 19th century man conspires with his maid (played by a 17-year-old Angela Lansbury, if you can imagine) to drive his wife crazy by doing things such as dimming and brightening the gas lights in their home and telling her that it’s all her imagination.
And just when I thought I couldn’t love you more. As a Gen-Xer and theoretically old enough to be the parent of a millennial, I’m just SO fucking proud to be considered one of your peers. When older generations berate you and call you entitled, please know that in reality, they are shitting their pants because they know that you’re smarter, harder-working, and all around better than they could ever hope to be, and their chance to play catch-up is passing them by while they waste time judging those who are clearly superior to them in every way. I feel hopeful for the future every time I encounter a person like you, and I really do hope that by the time you and all the other young birches are fifty years old and running the world, that you’ve used the skills you have to make the world as we know it vastly better instead of allowing yourselves to be bogged down by the voices of negativity who are only trying to hold you back so that they can hang on to their own delusions of superiority. Screw them; you’re awesome. 🙂
LOVE YOUUUUUUUU
❤ ❤ ❤
Both my husband and I work full time (above minimum wage) and have to supplement our income with side jobs too just to pay the bills. This doesn’t include any extras like cable or even medical, only one phone and we have one car that’s paid off. Guess what? We have $20 in our savings. I don’t even see a place in the future that we will even be able to reture. We will literally have to work until we die. Welcome to being a millennial.
Oh Tovah I’m so sorry. ❤
I’m an older genX parent of teenage millennials. It irks me when I hear people in my generation and older insult today’s kids, youth, and young adults. I especially dislike those who go on and on about “In our day we ate lead paint, and mom blew smoke in our faces, got beat up by bullies, and we lost 1 out of every 10 friends to lack of seat belts, no bike helmets, and falling out of open pickup beds… and we liked it!” blah blah blah like it’s some sort of badge of honor to come from a much less enlightened time, and we think others should suffer because we did. Ah… no… I disagree. That’s just stupid. I, personally, am quite fond of evolution, physical and cultural, and am very happy to see things improving generation by generation, decade by decade, year by year.
Today’s youth? You guys rock. Seriously. You are so smart, savvy, kind and giving. Yes, I’m a little bit biased, I guess, because my kids are special to me (duh) but it’s true. Cross my heart.
Don’t let the old stick in the mud cranky-pusses get you down. There are a lot of us … a LOT!… who see you for what you really are and love you for it. (((((hugs!)))
Thank you for such a heartfelt and genuine comment! 🙂
I also can’t stand seeing that sort of thing. The ‘we were awesome because of it, these kids today aren’t at all!’ mentality. I grew up knowing EACH of my parents had lost a sibling to death in CHILDHOOD. My dad his baby brother at age two. My mother her twin sister at age eight. Hearing stories of the cousins who had died due to accident, due to things that were once deemed ‘normal’ that we now deem ‘stupid and dangerous’. And I wonder, do people who share that their childhood with those dangers, those deaths, was really BETTER? Was it really better to almost guarantee that you would know at least one relative or friend who died in childhood from things we now know how to prevent? Would they feel that way if, instead of a friend, or a cousin, it had been a sibling? Or their own child? Because I SAW what the loss of those children did to my grandmothers, my grandfathers. I still see, to this day, what the loss of those siblings did to each of my parents, and their remaining siblings. And I am SO thankful that I am less likely to lose either of my children, and that my children are so much less likely to lose someone they know to death before they ever get to high school.
Besides the stories of my little uncle and aunt that were lost, I also know of a cousin of my father who died at 5, when the family left him in the RV alone, parked on the side of the freeway. This was ‘normal’ at the time. The family was just helping another relative with a flat or blown tire. The door was locked. He should have been safe for the 10 minutes it took. He got out, and was hit by a truck. Today, we know that’s not OK, it’s not safe, and an adult or responsible teen/pre-teen should be left with that child in the RV or other vehicle to keep the child safe. And there are so many more examples in my dad’s family of cousins who died far too young due to things that, at the time, were ‘normal’ and now count far more as ‘neglect’. His count is higher than most, as my grandfather was from a REALLY big family, who all had big families, so there are a LOT of cousins my dad’s generation, let alone my own. But still. Every story of a lost child due to things we know better about now? Every one makes me happy that eventually those sorts of deaths led to us learning how to better protect other kids. How to better avoid situations there’s no reason for them to be put into because the risk of serious injury or death is so stupidly high. And, really, for some of them, getting higher as population and technology increase making, say, faster, heavier traffic flow more normal.
And by the time my kids have kids I’m sure we’ll know about things that are still ‘normal’ now, or are a new ‘normal’ with our changing world, actually have a higher risk of death than they should have, and will no longer be considered normal. We should be HAPPY about those changes, about lower child mortality rates. Not constantly saying ‘well, I lived through that, they should have to/get to, too!’
Nailed it. Such attitudes about “suffering” are starkly anti-humanitarian and anti-societal, so they should really go live in a cave and proceed to shout to the rooftops, just for a little consistency.
It’s also hyper-individualism, as it personalizes (and thereby supposedly makes it something a person can directly affect) the travails of daily life, reinforcing the falsity that those who make it, did so because they tried/worked harder. Religion might not like the organized randomness and chaos of the universe, but to pretend such chaos doesn’t exist because doing so conveniently lets you demonize an entire generation (delightfully malleable in its definitions too apparently…) is appalling indeed.
If they enjoy the benefits of living in a modern world, it’s part of the social contract to help others to enjoy it too. That’s the true fulfillment of a purposeful life…
Try being disabled on top of it. I’m autistic, but I’m not autistic enough, apparently, to qualify for disability. So I have to muddle through 2-3 part time jobs, because no one will hire an autistic person, even an autistic person with a doctoral degree and experiences that a lot of firms would kill to have in their offices if it came from an abled person. And I STILL get the silliness about “you must not want it enough.”
You know what I want? A society that doesn’t treat me like a time bomb or a freak for not being exactly like my peers. A job that understands I’m a human with dignity who is entitled to respect. Boomers gaslighting me is literally everything I don’t need.
I am so sorry you have to deal with that. 😦
High-functioning ASD, here… right there with you. My qualifications are mostly in personality, as I saw the trend before I got hooked into schooling. That, and being displaced socially left me little thought as to where I wanted to go in life. Trying to find my pace to become an artist/author, now, as it’s my only hope left.
I am so sorry to here about this! I am a Board Certified Music Therapist and therefore an ally to those on the spectrum (and anyone else who is differently-abled, actually). It makes me so frustrated and sad when I hear of people not valuing those who are unique.
Also, a thought, couldn’t they get in trouble for not hiring you based on your ASD diagnosis?
Gaslight is a great movie.
As a millennial (born in 1997 so I’m unsure how you’d classify that now) and a senior in college it terrifies me to know that I might not be able to make enough for myself and remain dependent on my poor parents. My parents are between 45-55 and have worked their entire lives so my brother and I could get good educations and not worry about the basics in life, as they called it.
My entire life I’ve always wanted to give back to them. Technically, my degree could wind up being well paid depending on if I wind up a professor at a public university (low pay) or as a private company researcher. I constantly see posts about how lazy and entitled my generation is. There has even been hate that I’ve seen between people my age who’s parents could afford to help their kids and those that couldn’t. Suddenly I’m not working hard enough if I’m not working to pay off student loan according to some of my peers.
As much as older generations attack the Millenial generation, there is also ample hate between millenials. I just hope that one day, if we can work together to rewrite our system to help each other and the planet, we won’t have to worry about if we can make ends meet and help out our parents and friends if or when they need it.
Thank you for your comments! I think the animosity between millennials is probably a byproduct of this same effect, we want to think it doesn’t happen to US because WE work hard, not like THOSE millennials. It’s the same way women have to un-learn to compare themselves and tear down other women. We all need to rise together!
Reblogged this on a day with depression.
Hello! Nice writing. I am not sure your definition of “millenial” is right. I saw somebody else questioning it in the comments and somebody say their boyfriend is honorary millenial for how much they know about technology. I consider myself a solid gen x (I am in my early 40s). Gen Y came after us, and millenials is the generation born later, closer to the new millennium, as the name indicates, and not in the 80s. My husband and I are techies, but not millenials for that reason.
Now, with that redefined, the main issues you’re trying to drive also affect us! Big time. We are living in the same world! I have college-educated friends who, in our 20s, needed second jobs (on top of the corporate job) to pay for student debt. I even knew kids who needed to enroll in the military because their 4-year college degree had cost so much, they would have been paying for it the rest of their lives. Even worse, we had to raise kids during the worse economic crisis in years. And we lost it all then. My generation also has high incidence of mental health issues. However, in most cases, they were not diagnosed, because they didn’t use to put labels on everything (not saying it wouldn’t have been useful in some cases.) Recently, doctors started assigning mental health issues to everyone because that way more drugs can be sold.
I understand your points, all I am saying is you have to look at them in a different light and you’ll see why some people may be telling you that they’ve gone through the same. They should still validate your feelings and acknowledge it’s not easy, though.
Thanks Mara! I’m the one who granted my husband honorary millennial status. I totally agree with you and understand that this is not solely a millennial issue. The millennial generation is the one close to my heart that I obviously can identify with the best since I’m in the middle of it! I don’t disagree that these issues are affecting a vast amount of people, millennials or not. People regardless of age are losing jobs to outsourcing or due to the fact that fresh college grads will do the work for half the price, and it’s rough. Being an expert or having a lot of experience is no longer a guarantee of the income or career we might expect. Thanks for commenting!
Gen Y and the Millennial generation is the same. Just had a name change.
“Gen Y” was a term that never really took. It was replaced by “millenial”.
Terrific essay but we really have to stop blaming each other intergenerationally for the effects of the corporatization of society. I am a baby boomer and I live very much as you describe as do many of my friends. Some are financially safe because they still hold some of the wealth created decades ago but many are not. Many work minimum wage jobs as greeters at Walmart, for instance, to get by in their 70s. Many more struggle to support middle aged kids, some of whom still live at home, and others support grand kids. It’s easy to point the finger at each other when the real problem is that we now live in a society where the corporate bottom line rules all. This is not a generational problem so much as it is a societal and political one. So long as corporations enjoy the kind of protection they do, the situation will continue to deteriorate and those few benefiting from the system will be delighted to encourage the divisive rhetoric. We must turn our attention to what is really going on. The system is corrupt and everyone is suffering.
Reblogged this on we work with words and commented:
I take offense at the gaslighting of millennials too. Not because I am a millennial, but because I hate it when stereotypes are promoted and groups of people, etc. are lumped together based on arbitrary characteristics… and also because my daughter is a so-called “millenial”.
I am not a millennial. I did raise 2 out of the 3 that I had. All three are doing well despite the circumstances under which they now live. My only issue with younger people is the work ethic. I am sorry but I have to go with what I have experienced I am a tradesman, a Field Communications Engineer to be precise. I do not have a degree, I learned my trade by doing it. I am of an age I want to teach what I know. None of my girls have any interest in the work. I have tried several people, young men and women, on job sites. Some with degrees and some without. The funny thing is, I pay well. I pay a minimum of $25.00/hour. But I can’t give you full time yet, I could, if you’re willing to do what I do every day. Be available, answer your phone, be polite, and WORK. What I do is physically tough but mentally, really tough! You have to be able to figure it out on your own in order for me to send you out on your own. It’s scary, I know, to walk into a place, have no real idea what to expect, and then have to make it all work. And after you have figured it out, execute the plan you came up with on the fly. There is where I have problems. I have a young part time worker who is high level Autistic. I will take this guy on every job I can because even though I may have to take a little longer for him to “get it”, he’ll just go and get it done. No complaints, no whining, just does it and comes back and asks, “what’s next”. And yes, he gets $25.00 per hour.
Most people his age, I have to go find them and ask if they finished the assigned task. Usually they say no because they don’t understand. I ask them if they have their cell, and why didn’t you call? They are usually invited to leave at lunch. I don’t have time or money to pay lazy. Again, I pay well for a good worker because I VALUE good workers. I want to teach you the business, I want to help you to be successful, but you don’t want to do what is needed to be successful.
Bear in mind, I have arthritis in every joint in my body from the mid-chest down, I have had 5 hernias, I have been shot once and stabbed twice. I can no longer walk fast and it takes 2 Vicodin just to allow me to bend and I still outwork the younger people. I have been offering what all these young people say they want, but,so far, no one has earned it. What can I do?
Reblogging this on We Work With Words.
You have a well written article. Your generations path has not been an easy one. I raised gen x’ers and realized that the education they were getting was not as good as mine in high school. I hated it when people said teens had it so easy. I realized that I could take my adult knowledge back in time with me to the sixties and have an easier time in high school. But seeing my children’s high school world I did not think I could survive that even with my adult knowledge and life experience. I also saw the problems getting worse. Too many were trying to deal with bulling, helping with Grandparents and trying to succeed at school. Not to mention the economic problems facing there families. Keep helping each other and you can build something better for yourselves.
I’m still a little put off by some of the ableism in the article. Like especially where it lumped in abuse and “narcissism”. I am a millenial (1994) and have several mental health disorders.
Adhd like in general the article mentioned that. But it completely ignored cluster Bs. Well worse, as mentioned it implied that we are abusive.
I do not have NPD, but I do have BPD. And speaking of gaslighting…
Well cluster Bs are almost always formed from long term abuse, usually in childhood. And we hurt a lot. And then are told we are abusive. We are self centered. We are bad. We are dangerous.
But it’s actually mostly ableist society that doesn’t care what the actual experiences, feelings, motivations etc are.
They would love to define a flu as “someone who gets mucus everywhere. Generally they lay around a lot and complain despite the environment objectively not being so bad. They sleep more than a normal person. And there is no cure. ”
They don’t about the fact that it’s a virus, or thar it actually makes you feel like crap. They paint you as being malicious just for having needs.
That’s how they describe personality disorders. As a bunch of signs that are scary sounding and don’t ever address what it’s actually like. Or worse they flat out talk about manipulation and ignore that we have very real very intense emotions and very deep seeded fears. In fact they call our emotions “shallow” or “performative”.
And the ableism is painful, from society and from the mental health industry. Most of us were chronically gaslit as children. And now all of us are being gaslit as adults into thinking we really are bad people after all.
It’s just really depressing.
(I also have ptsd which is very common with bpd..social and general anxiety, severe depression, non standard phobias, autism, dyspraxia, possibly dyslexia, and I think that’s all?
But it’s almost always the cluster B that I face real ableism with. Followed by autism and it’s common Comorbids)
Hi braixenfox – Thank you for your comment. I am still unpacking and examining my underlying ableism and privilege as it relates to mental illnesses and appreciate your input. In my personal experiences, a lot of my healing from childhood traumas and emotional abuse has been in examining narcissistic traits of my abusers. I don’t mean to lump narcissism with abuse, only to report on my personal experiences. I look forward to learning a lot more about mental illness, especially as I seek treatment for my own. Thank you.
I am in this same boat. I actually do have bpd AND npd both and they do have a lot of comorbidity – and it’s so extremely disheartening how much ableism (and often viciousness) we face even in the community of people who are also mentally ill.
Abuse is a result of an abuser, not a narcissist. NPD and other cluster b’s often come with an immense amount of guilt already and being constantly reminded that the world as a whole looks at us as uncurably malicious people to be avoided has contributed hugely to the more dangerous parts of my depression.
I don’t like the term of gaslighting for this. As a baby boomer, I totally get the gist of the concern here, but I know quite a few GenX and Millenials in my field of work, and the usual labels do not apply to any of them. Such is the way of labels. As a boomer, I was given labels myself. Someone who labels someone is generally giving themselves an excuse to not think about it further.
I freely admit, that my generation has a great deal of responsibility for social and environmental conditions (that we may well not recover from) With culpability from the previous generation. But that’s not to say there weren’t those of us willing and attempting to do something.
I do see a lot of abdication of a lot of responsibility, and trying to place blame on others in a lot of places.
Posted this to my Facebook, where Millennials liked it, and Gen X-ers told me the article was biased and wrong, and most Millennials are actually lazy, entitled people who expect the latest iPhone and the latest and greatest everything.
anyone who lumps a group people together for whatever reason and gives them a title is off mark. each generation is different because of rapidly changing technologies, political climate, cultural shifts and world events. to is so important to remember that no matter when we were were born, we are each individuals, and cannot truly be interpreted and defined as a group. .
Well written piece with valid observations….
I am a boomer, born at the very end of the baby boom. Things really see more difficult now than in any other period I can remember. It’s damn near impossible for the average HS graduate to afford college. There is too much pressure to have it all and do it all. Don’t let people make you think you’re crazy or lazy or unrealistic.
Because I came at the tail end of the boomer generation, my first childhood memories were of America’s youth demonstrating…calling for peace and love. I was so jealous! I wanted to be part of that but I was just a kid. And I believed that we were headed to a new and better world.
Alas, the optimism of the sixties faded and the establishment continued to run the world. There were so many who were like me and didn’t understand why and how the peace movement fell apart. But we didn’t have social media. We were isolated.
Watching your generation gives me hope. So many of you were inspired and excited by Bernie Sanders and his vision of a better world. I was too. I thought we were finally going to make the changes we need in this country.
I challenge your generation to keep the fire burning. Don’t believe the negative things people might say. You have power and you can change the world. Run for office. Vote. Talk to each other and to anyone who will listen. Your generation is savvy and you have technology we never dreamed of. You have great ideas and it’s time for you to take the reins.
You’ve got this,
Great article, Caitlin. I have four kids, all millennials. I’ve never witnessed the entitlement I hear about their generation. They and all their friends have always been pretty impressive human beings. Yea, they want change. Anyone who survived the disaster that was the first decade of the 21st century would be daft to not want change. Keep fighting to make this world a better place. I for one, have great faith in those of you who are just now coming of age.
Great article! Ive seen a lot of similar ones on this subject lately especially. I hate being called a Millennial especially since I was born in the early 80s. Even my sister born in 87 doesn’t like the category. We are nothing like these kids who are currently teenagers. We have little cousins who are. I’d say they’re the ones. But the voting bloc is nice if we vote. See the show Adam Ruins Everything and his excellent lecture called Millennials Don’t Exist.
Do you want to know why people rag on millennials? Because you do not clearly look at the past…you have your own agenda. Your own agenda is good. But your assumptions about the past are wrong.
1) Previous generations did not drive the bus into the lake. They invented the bus. They invented the bus system you ride, instead of having a private car. They created the lake from a river in an undeveloped region of the country, to bring economic prosperity there. Please get your facts straight.
2) “The generations before us HAD a living wage, affordable college, and adequate healthcare.” Really? We also had 58000 young men and women lose their lives in a war we did not ask for, did not understand, but were drafted–not volunteered, put into involuntary servitude by the government– to fight. We lived through the chaos of the 1960s. We tried to invent a new way to live, and mostly failed, set upon by the generation before us–“the establishment.” Our parents, fought in WWII and Korea– also under draft, not volunteer service.
I’m 60 years old. With two college degrees, both cobbled together from a variety of loans, grants, part-time work, and scholarships, because yes I’ve always had a cumulative GPA 3.6 or higher. I’ve worked hard, been laid off through no fault of my own twice, never made $30,000 a year in my own right. I had student loans to pay off, once: the other, I used part of an inheritance I received only because my mother died at a young age. It ain’t been the bed of roses you seem to think preceded your existence. Get over that. Now I work for myself, and hustle every day looking for new opportunities, at an age when these mythical baby boomers of yours are supposedly living in the lap of luxury. Take off the rose colored ‘woe is me” blinders.
And it has always been a scrape to afford health insurance for most of us– a few employers may have been paternalistic, but that went away before 1975. Deal.
3) Boomers envy you for your youth and your facility with tech, and how some of you have convinced each other to make jobs out of using computers, instead of running machinery, throwing boxes, digging ditches, nailing rails to ties, working in mines, mills and factories where every day, your fingers, toes and skin in general was on the lime, and going home, dropping exhausted into bed.
4) All that being said: you will learn. If you are lucky, you will find ways to overcome your mountains. You will invent things we never dreamed of, building on the digital structure that my generation built for you. We are old. You will live to see the future, and someday, understand that every generation has its battles to fight, and none of those battles are easier or harder than those before and after you. Just different.
5) Here is a poem from my great-grandparent’s generation: Take it, make of it what you will. Go beyond the message of war, to a message of life: And do with it what you will.
In Flanders Fields
John MacCrae
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
> Millennials are tech-savvy
No, they really aren’t. The few that are highly analytical are doing just fine, with degrees in Computer Science and Engineering. The ones that use the term “tech savvy” are just using software that is literally engineered to appeal to anyone with basic literacy. I’d argue that most have little understanding of security or privacy. The ability to use social media is not a skill.
Considering the explosion of careers that revolve around social media skills, I disagree.
The problem I have with Millennials (although certainly not all of them), is how their annoyance seems misplaced. I am Gen X, although not by much. Apparently, I’m Gen Oregon Trail. (Love that.) My sisters are 8 and 10 years younger than me, squarely Millennials. And for the most part, that’s how I look at Millennials — as younger siblings. The ones you watch out for, even when they get on your nerves. Because yes, dear Millennials, sometimes you’re just annoying. But what annoys me to no end is when the Millennials turn their vitriol on Gen X. For the most part, WE weren’t the ones who screwed you over. Baby Boomers ended in 1965, and Millennials started in 1980 and ended in 2000. That means that the very oldest member of Gen X would have been 34 when the very last Millennial was born. There weren’t too many Gen Xers having Millennials. (I actually did; my kiddo is on the cusp, just like I was.) For the most part we were listening to Nirvana when the world was going to hell. We didn’t cause the Cold War, we lived through it. We didn’t make decisions about covert CIA actions during the Soviet-Afghan War. We were old enough to remember 9/11; to be changed by it, but we weren’t deciding policy. At most, we voted for Reagan once — and that was very few of us who were old enough. Our college wasn’t affordable (I have nearly 60K in student loans). There have been plenty of times when I didn’t have health insurance through my job — or jobs, because chances are I was working at least a full time job and one part time job, plus going to school and raising my daughter. You guys aren’t that different, which is I think why sometimes you hear the “special snowflake” comment from us. WE GET IT. We didn’t have some magical carefree amazing time. Except for not having to wear bike helmets. We definitely lucked out there cause they’re pretty dorky looking. But if Millennials could chill just a tad with the Gen x hate, that would be cool. Cause the vitriol directed our way is making us not so thrilled, when it wasn’t us causing the problems.
Sincerely,
Your slightly older Gen X sis
My mom had me when she was 19..I was born 1994. I’m firmly millenial, not late or early. She should have been born 1973, right? That seems squarely Gen x to me.
I do not think Gen x having millenial babies is really that uncommon. Even my dad is only 2 years older than my mom and my aunt 5 years younger.
Someone described this generations situation in a way that made perfect sense to me: It’s like being in a dirt hole with an a$$hole throwing more dirt on top of you constantly. You can dig until your back is broken, but you won’t ever dig your way out of the hole. Alternatively, if you just stop digging, you’re going to be buried alive. You have to decide between digging until you die, or letting yourself be buried alive, when the real solution should be for someone, or something, to get the dirt throwing a$$hole to just stop.
Thanks for your cogent essay about being a millennial. Everything you said is exactly what’s happening to my children. My parents came of age during the depression and WWII. I’m a baby-boomer. My children are millennials. One of the largest breaks in history occurred between my parents’ generation and the boomers. We changed this country from the buttoned-down fifties where racism was the norm, to the free-wheeling seventies when war was definitely bad for all living things. And we were vilified–by our parents, the media, the churches, the educational system, the government. Don’t forget that innocent college students were gunned down by the National Guard in 1970, in two separate events, and I never heard one older person say it was wrong. “They deserved it” was the mantra of the day. So I feel your pain, Minimalist. You are right. Society tries to keep it’s young “in line”. It is the job of the young to change the world. Don’t let “the establishment” (as we used to call it) keep you from your task. Your gen does have it harder than ever. My father’s oldest child was born in 1934, his youngest in 1971. He said that every ten years it got harder for people to establish themselves economically. That trend continues and may have accelerated. And yet, your gen is indeed going farther than we could. Each generation starts at their own square one and moves ahead as far as they can before another generation moves ahead from that point. Millennials are crushing the divides between races, genders, orientations, classes and countries. This is a good thing. Some in my generation let the voices stop their development. They became like their parents and grandparents. They are among the voices that now try to hold you back. Be your best. Don’t listen to those voices. Remember, while it seems harsh it is also true: this is why old people have to die.
I will never forget when I was cutting through a parking lot to get from one class to another at Kent State and realized I was on the site of the shooting. Where the students’ bodies had fallen, the school put up barriers (so you can’t drive over those sites) and plaques. Chilling. Thank you for your comment.
Excellent post! I’ve thought about many of the same issues but I’ve never connected it with the concept of gaslighting before.
It really is sad how we millennial have internalized this narrative that we are laid, entitled, etc. It makes us doubt our own self efficacy, which coincidentally is great for the status quo.
Millennials are the largest generational voting bloc and corporations are tripping over themselves to pander to our generation. We have the power to demand meaningful reform from both our political system and our economic system, but it won’t happen unless we start believing in our own worth, in the validity of our own ideas and ideals.
We are not crazy. The world really is letting us down, yet most of us continue to fight every day. Here’s hoping we can translate that into real reform for ourselves, our children, and the planet.
“Millennials get their news from TV (65%) and online sources (59%).” Something about the math…or maybe there’s a few words missing. Or maybe data came from an online source 🙂
It means that 65% of the surveyed millennials reported they get news from TV and 59% reported they get news from online. Meaning that some of them do both.
As a member of the tail of the original baby boom (“Generation Jones”) I am highly sympathetic to that shaming. My older brother and sister are retired now, with houses they own and hefty retirement portfolios. My husband and I have been renters all our life, and I was relieved to find that we can retire eventually if we put more money away.
I could go on, but my point is that my 90 year old mother judges me the same way that previous generations judge you. I will be a liberal until I die, and never stop fighting for the people who come after me to have the better life that I missed out on.
I’m a Gen-X er. College was NOT affordable in my day unless you were an in-state student at a state school. Otherwise the expectation for most muddle-class families was that the student would get scholarships or work to pay his or her way. Student loans simply were not as prevalent. If your family couldn’t afford your dream school, it was too bad. The expectation that you “should” be entitled to go to whichever school you want and rack up debt, then complain about the debt, is what I think turns people off somewhat. It’s jyst poor financial management of yiur own volition.
When I graduated there was a recession so I was very grateful I had done the extra work to get a scholarship which had an internship program included. I did not get summer vacation in college. I was working. I also worked to pay for my pocket money and my parents helped a bit. Upon graduation I had a job but several of my classmates did not. I noticed quite a few of these went to grad school in the hopes this would help further their prospects. I do find Millenials a little precious but I am loving your diversity, your progressive politics and the fact you feel confident enough to demand work-life balance. We mostly rolled over and gave into The Man. I’m counting on you to make the world a better place because frankly, I think my generation is just too disillusioned and tired to try anymore.
I hope we can deliver 🙂 Thanks for your comment!
Another part of the problem, I think, is that our parents spent a lot of time trying to dictate to us what was “appropriate” and “inappropriate”. Naturally, a lot of the “inappropriate” stuff was stuff that we saw on TV and in cartoons. It made little if any sense that we weren’t supposed to do the stuff that we enjoyed watching on TV. Moreover, being allowed to watch cartoons from the age of two or three meant that it was harder to focus in class, and so then people would get angry at us for not paying attention.
I think that it would be a good idea to not let children watch any TV until the age of nine or ten.
This is awesome. Let’s not forget that something like 50% or more of us grew up in broken homes but now the divorce rate is actually declining with our generation. Proud of us all holding our shit together. The phrase I heard the most growing up is “kids are so much more self aware these days.” Well about damn time.
Hi!
So… I just found out by your standards i am a millennial (I’m in Portugal and here we consider people born in the 80’s generation X).
I had never read anything from you, but i have to admit you make a lot of sense. I work just one full time job, am out of my home 11h a day, work hard as a costumer service representative with very set deadlines and a lot of pressure and i get payed about 600 a month. now… remove from that half for rent, then 150 for credit cards (it was either getting them or not being able to afford my granny’s meds or my cat’s surgeries and meds) then another 50 for train pass to get to work, then another 75 for basic utilities. and i am left with 25 euros (about 30 bucks maybe?) for food and meds. for the entire month. and people still say we are spoiled creatures. my father often asks how i spend my money and assumes it is spent wastefully. i suffer from extreme anxiety, epilepsy, depression and bipolar disorder. btw, 25 euros barely cover my meds. I am not saying i am a victim, it just gets really annoying when people say i should get a second job. and i think yeah sure, cause sleep is overrated anyways.
Great article! Thank you for somehow both succinctly and expansively illuminating the issues facing Millennials today, as we prepare to become the generation leading the country in the next decade.
One slight objection though: I believe your birth year range in defining Millennial is too broad. Though debate certainly exists, the working definition I had when doing graduate studies on generational theory was birth year 1981-1996. This is not as arbitrary as it seems. When looking into a number of factors, including average birth year of parents, demographics, etc., that comes out about right. But there is another way to examine it as well.
Generations are not just products of birth circumstances, but also shared experiences. If one goes with the 1981-1996 definition, then, through the lens of the biggest single event to occur in the past 25 years (9/11), you have Millennials defined as those who were old enough to remember it happening – even if that memory is somewhat sketchy – but not old enough to legally get drunk when it happened. Put another way: If you were in kindergarten through senior year of college (or in your first four years in the workforce for those who didn’t go the college route) when 9/11 happened, you’re a Millennial. Born before 1981, you were fully an “adult” when the towers came down. Born after 1996, your first memories are likely in a post-9/11 world.
Just food for thought – otherwise, spot on!
Great article! Thank you for somehow both succinctly and expansively illuminating the issues facing Millennials today, as we prepare to become the generation leading the country in the next decade.
One slight objection though: I believe your birth year range in defining Millennial is too broad. Though debate certainly exists, the working definition I had when doing graduate studies on generational theory was birth year 1981-1996. This is not as arbitrary as it seems. When looking into a number of factors, including average birth year of parents, demographics, etc., that comes out about right. But there is another way to examine it as well.
Generations are not just products of birth circumstances, but also shared experiences. If one goes with the 1981-1996 definition, then, through the lens of the biggest single event to occur in the past 25 years (9/11), you have Millennials defined as those who were old enough to remember it happening – even if that memory is somewhat sketchy – but not old enough to legally get drunk when it happened. Put another way: If you were in kindergarten through senior year of college (or in your first four years in the workforce for those who didn’t go the college route) when 9/11 happened, you’re a Millennial. Born before 1981, you were fully an “adult” when the towers came down. Born after 1996, your first memories are likely in a post-9/11 world.
Just food for thought – otherwise, spot on!
Hey, thanks for your comment! The date range I found in my research for this post seemed a bit large to me as well. I may end up doing more research and exploring the tighter cohort years within it.
Wow amazing piece. I’m a millennial and this completely hits the nail on the head. Thank you for writing this and explaining us to the world! Everyone should read this, especially those that tend to blame all the problems of the world on us!
I’d like to echo the comments about Gen X having similar experiences (although I think inflation is likely worse now) with previous generations blaming them for structural problems outside of their control. If we have a template for resisting generational villainization, it’s because Gen Xers came up with it. I hope we will learn from the way we are being treated so we can avoid blaming subsequent generations for the ills that befall them.
Gaslighting is a perfect way to describe what is happening, and applies very well to the cruel conservative bootstraps ideology we’ve seen directed at poor people in general for the last 30 years. It’s not the decline of manufacturing jobs, you’re just lazy. When it comes to housing trends, wages, and pensions, millennials are absolutely being gaslit in order to blame ourselves for a system that is failing most of us.
I also can’t help but feel the entire ‘generational trait’ discussion is usually an oversimplification meant to obscure the differences within generations due to class, race, gender etc. Racism might be less overt among younger generations, but it can’t be denied that it is a problem for white people, of all generations, more than anyone else.
When we talk about millennial entitlement, are we talking about the children of refugees, veterans working in fast food restaurants, young parents in Flint who want safe drinking water for their children? Because they are as millennial as the Kardashians. Entitlement has always been a problem for people higher up on the class ladder; George W. Bush and Donald Trump are products of class, race, and gender more than anything. And Brock Turner has more in common with those two pieces of garbage than most black people his age.
Born March 29th, 1980. I consider myself a Millennial though I am also a Gen X and Oregon Trail as well? This new term, Gaslighting. Omg.
I just went off on my mom over this Bs. She’s a babyboomer. My entire life I have been told I am not good enough for her. She has constantly been sucking me dry money-wise. Bad luck would happen and I would need money. She would come to the rescue… But then take my entire tax return each year. My little sister just cheated on her husband with their mutual friend from their job. Now has to sell her car and house.
My mom maxed out her home equity, bought my sister a house (30,000 in cash) and is going out to buy her a car today. Not a clunker either, but a nice new Kia Soul +, same car she had anf had to sell when she cheated on her husband. (This is, btw, the second marriage she’s ruined by cheating on her guy.)
Now she goes and gets lawyers and is helping get one for the new boyfriend too, I guess is still technically married to someone in Canada. ….yah.
I.. have a backed up wastewater pipe. Literally 2 inches of standing water with floating turds in it right now, and my husband just lost his job (also a Millennial, born 1990 and has Asbergers) from Wal-Mart… But I make “good money” at a company I can not stand.. trying to start a business/ Etsy and doing conventions on the side to get the word out. We spent 200 on ourselves for our one year wedding anniversary, muh of that already spent with hotel reservation etc. All my mother did wad say “well if you can afford to spend that money where’s what you owe me?” (I owe her 450 right now from helping us with our mortgage. 600 of a 1050 bill paid off but then hubby lost his job.) ….
Yeah. But she goes off to buy my spoiled rotten sister (1983, almost 1984) a new car and house.
This explains what she’s doing to me. Even now when I cut her out of my life finally, she tries to spin it into how she’s the victim.
Thank you.
HIGHLY RECOMMEND this book – https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Not sure if WordPress just ate my comment or not. In case it didn’t post, I highly recommend this book for working through the issues with your mom: https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436